Growing up in the 1980's, film was a commodity. We did not own a device with video capabilities until I was in my late teens, by which time I was devastated with insecurities about my physical attractiveness. Now it seems crazy to me how we can all walk around with little documentary devices in our purses and back-pockets!
I started using a webcam to practice performing. It reminded me of dance lessons as a kid, chasseing down corridors of mirrors in ballet, jazz, and tap shoes. Beyond the immediate visual feedback video provides, it also helps me capture moments of inspiration, when I might have otherwise forgotten impromptu lyrics, pouring out of my mouth!
I suppose I was waiting my entire life to finally enjoy my childhood... and when it happened... Music.
Listening back to my performance, I am left wondering whether listeners understood... I avoided the words on purpose; "suicide", "kill myself"... "not a cry for help".
Watching myself, I am proud I left my script on the podium and spoken from my heart.
There is no nice way to tell people- I am not recovered. I am not sure I ever will not want to die... Except that, with age, human beings seem to become addicted to life. Somehow, suddenly the fear of it all ending could become real, after it will be more than half way over?
What the hell have I been wasting my time worrying about? These are precious years approaching.
It turns out! ...I'm the luckiest girl I know!
Just looking at the gorgeous images my friends helped create, reminds me of incredibly fortunate I honestly am...
After the This is My Brave show, friends offered to help me fulfill the promise I made- to make Human Race available on Youtube. By the time I was recording the song at Kawari Sound, I felt differently singing the lyrics,
"I'd like to find a place- to escape the human race. I'd like to stay there for a moment... For a moment."
...For the first time, I thought, "No wait, this is exactly where I wanted to be when I composed this song, 2 years ago- In a legit studio, recording."