I remember that conversation... The one that made me find silence again. I had been trying so hard to express myself, trying so hard to find someone who could hear what I was trying to say... You took me by surprise! I couldn't believe I was finally found- and sure enough, you left... just like everyone else.
But in that moment, you told me you understood I was the one. You explained you didn't know how to reach me, how to keep me, but it was your intention.
To say I was relieved is an understatement... but also skeptical. How could you say these things to me even as you were going to walk away again? You couldn't understand why it hurt to tell you not to make love to me. You couldn't put yourself in my shoes and realize how much pain I would be in -if I let you as close as two people can be- only to let you leave me afterwards.
You told me you wanted to develop a relationship based upon a mutual trust, a common language of more than words and social cues... At the moment, I knew you were absolutely the voice in my head- from long before I ever even hit puberty. We have always been having this conversation.
I knew because every other fella who had come and gone- had never touched me so deep -and you could do it without touching me at all.
The moment I had found myself in every other relationship, I realized I felt alone. You were different.
Even now that it has been many months since we've spoken, my mind and heart are the same. I have prayed and meditated. I have griped and mourned. I have opened myself to every possibility to move forward- in any direction that might pull me away from you... But like a compass dial, my resolve always returns to this moment- with you.
You sit me down on the bed. You give me that look, directly in the eyes, and you tell me to close mine. I obey, and you ask, "Can you see me?"
I say, "Yes," and open my eyes.
You ask me to close them again and keep them closed.
You ask again if I can see you... and I do. And I don't have to open my eyes because then you are kissing me.
...and it feels strange to tell you that we cannot make love- Because I am drawn back into the moment we made love the first time, when I wasn't ready but couldn't tell you. So we made love, and then I was cross-
Of course, you chose a day when we had company and no time to quarrel... For once in my entire life, I am able to put aside my urges to argue and pent up spite all day- and at the end of the day, when we finally explain ourselves to one another; I am relieved there is no fight. Instead, we happily understand one another's misunderstandings and go to bed together with trust.
You pause to tell me that if anything were to happen, we would have a family.
I tell you- It is just that... We have already admitted to one another that this it- Us. For life. Our first time- it was the last first time... and now it was over.
Then you take me in your arms and ask if you can make love to me. I ask you to make love to me. -and while in the back of my mind, throughout a voice is saying, "He hasn't said I love you yet." It doesn't matter... As soon as we are still again, you lean close to my ear and whisper warmly, "I love you, Ev."
These moments... They are with me, every day.
When you were away for weeks and months, I kept up my usual correspondence with myself- via the internet. I didn't care whether anyone else was paying attention... I thought you'd unfollowed, unfriended me, blocked me...
But then you came back- just a for one more moment. Just long enough to say you saw every word, every picture, everything... You saw it, and you knew it was about US.
Then I found my silence again. Then I hid. Then I went away to work on the only song I care about writing... Yours- Ev <3