4/11/2015 Lingering. Inescapable, inexorable, intolerable love
There was the awkward moment where I realized I was entering a new dating pool as a thirty-one year old woman. One in which the other half of the pool was full of children and another three-quarters had already been married and had children by now. The odds did not feel in my favor... But I have to admit, I just stopped caring.
Actually, I cared immensely... always a little too willingly and naively. Like the first time; over and over. Of course it isn't, but I am comparing this to childhood crushes that lasted for years with few words spoken between. That's where the real romance lives.
Lingering. Inescapable, inexorable, intolerable love.
However, after reading thoroughly about my mental condition; it seemed like a puzzle, and I could finally see the picture. All I had to do was let go
People ask me the same questions... Are you Asian? You write these songs? What does a female artist collective do? (collects females, btw)... and do you really believe you have a personality disorder?
I feel like I should take a stage and answer... I often do- The funny part is... I have always been Asian. I have always been writing, even when it was only in my head... The performing part put me on a stage to tell people about it- Because it just wasn't feeling like reason enough to keep living if it was only for me. I wanted to share it.
I feel pain and anxiety for all the suffering in the world... and I know that sounds dramatic, but I can get really cynical and depressed when I try to act like I'm not sensitive. Why is it that when I am alone for an extended amount of time, I can concentrate long enough to feel centered again?
The trick is learning to do it all the time, at the flip of a switch. That's the trick.
There are a variety of ways to describe it. Different people use different words and methods and breathing techniques... and they package and sell their systems to others who have not yet found their own.
Somehow, I seem to gather from one what I think it meant to offer me, and then I keep going... Sometimes various teachings visit me again, and I am forever a student.
Lately though, I have begun to feel a little more teacher-like.
This is of some semantic importance to me because my hospitalization prevented me from finishing my teaching certification who moved across the country now.
If I am on some sort of spiritual path, does that mean I will meet another teacher... or perhaps travel? I am travelling. Somewhere around this time last year, I was in Korea, and before that I was meditating, manifesting it...
I can say this now- Because I have watched enough of it unfold...
Of course these things come in cycles, and I feel a peak having been touched.
I am resigned to let my rather strange circumstances continue so that I can keep a healthy balance while I wait to see what happens next. I'm afraid I know, but I have to be careful.