To the Child I haven't YET Conceived
I am writing a book. I pray that it will be so successful that I will be able to afford to be a stay at home mom and experience all of your firsts; all of your successes, mistakes, and lessons. I want to be there to kiss your boo-boos, read your bedtime stories, and watch you blossom into a beautiful human being… I will try to not write anything that will embarrass you as a teenager, when your classmates may be discussing why my book is banned from the school library. Bear with me, it will be my first attempt.
I am writing this today because I realized, although I will carry you and give birth to you (or maybe adopt you), I will not be your only mother. Throughout your life you will have many mothers. When you reach this point in life, you will realize that you take turns being a mother to others and allowing them to mother you many times. This is a gift; both giving and receiving. Remind yourself to be gentle and humble. No one has all the answers.
Ignorance is also a gift. If we knew everything, we would not be entitled to the unique series of trials and triumphs that we all have the opportunity to create. Life is not easy. Learning is painful. I wish I could tell you a secret to avoid these truths. If there is one, I have not yet discovered it. I can only promise you this, it keeps getting better. If you can trust this fact, no matter what disappointment or consequence you face, you will continue to grow stronger.
I do not need a crystal ball to tell you that this letter will follow you throughout life and mean something slightly different to you each time you read it. There will no doubt come moments when you will use it to defend decisions with which I may disagree. I cannot promise that I will support every choice you make. There will be times when I say, “I told you so”. There will also be times when you will surprise me. It is okay. It will always be okay, in the long run.
Life is fleeting. It is going with every breath you take. You will be a new person every day. Gravity, love, and hope are forces you will learn to feel and trust. Music is the voice of God. Time has many shapes. Everyone is as connected as much as they are unconnected… and everything you know can change tomorrow.
You will hear things. You will read things... about how I am not like most other moms, not like most other people. You will question whether you are different as well. You will find yourself looking for answers in strange places. You will not understand many decisions you make until months and years later. That is normal. Trust that the answers will find you, wherever you want to be, when you are ready.
Challenge yourself to consider every possibility possible. Define yourself without worry... and forgive me for being human. Love yourself and know I love you… No matter what, I love you.