New York... When it was getting old, & I was young-er
It's a beautiful day outside, and I've kept myself cooped up in the co-op all day! AOL got up this morning and didn't even kiss me before he ran to his computer. I brought him his coffee (at least he put it on to brew himself), and I asked him if he was going to get a haircut today. He's been complaining about needing one for weeks. He briskly said no, he's "busy" today.
11:30 AM he logged in. At 2 PM he'll raid with the guild, and it won't be over until after 10! ... It won't stop there. It never stops there. He'll go until after midnight. He won't even step away long enough to eat a meal at the table.
Hell with him! I have two exams to study for this week. Blah! I need to get motivated! I'll have spring break soon enough, and he will be at work. I know he won't come to Easter at my parents' house... I don't know why I'm still so insecure about going alone. I just don't like being alone.
All I've ever wanted is a partner. I haven't had one yet. It's getting to the point when my dreams will be modified by my experiences. I didn't want a practice run. I wanted something lasting, something real. I used to feel a flame, like a lighthouse inside my heart, burning... For years... By the time I moved in with AOL, my flame blew up and blew out... Now all that's left is ashes.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am beautiful.
I am strong! I have my own mind- and I will be myself no matter who's asking. I am 23! And I am glad I'm me. I am going to do good things with my life.
... I love my puppy. I wish I were in Pennsylvania. I could afford to be more brave there. NYC is okay, but not for me...
04/03/2006 (1:21 AM)
I'm not studying well enough, and at this point I'm going to blame it on lack of being held, kissed, caressed, and made love to (which is not going to happen tonight). AOL is still playing, and tomorrow morning he won't be able to drag his ass out of bed. I know I'm lazy, but I KNOW I have my priorities in better order than him!
Yeah, I'm not getting any tonight.
Well, he didn't come to bed until 2. But when I kissed him and didn't stop... It had been a while- since before I just had my period... So why am I still a wreck? Why doesn't he make me feel secure and comforted? Why does this angst never dissipate? When did my heart last feel the warmth of being completely and unconditionally loved? I think that's what scares me the most; maybe he never felt that way about me... In my attempt to make a life with a man I naively loved for years, I've ended up alone.
Daylight savings time... I've lost an hour.
I'm so tired. Yesterday I got up and got ready. I told AOL in advance that I needed to leave early to cram with classmates before our exam. I asked him what he'd like for breakfast... Putting his English muffin into his bag, as I have so many times before, I glanced through his belongings, hoping to not be surprised. I fanned through his work notebook... There it was, on the last page, "sexy Asian" and a bunch of phone numbers... Not just phone numbers, also women's measurements. I ran to him immediately- in the bathroom and demanded to know what the hell it was. Just as always, he answered, "I don't know."
Bastard! He doesn't think he even needs to explain himself! Then he rushes me out the door as if he's about to miss his train. Bastard! If he wanted- cared if I trusted him, he wouldn't continuously LIE to me!
I'm not a tramp, and I won't be used. He acts as though it's my fault for being nosey. Maybe if I didn't constantly find something to feed my insecurity.
...I'm sad, lonely, and distracted from my work. Damn it. But you know what- He brought me here. He wasted my time. I didn't even know about Queens College until he talked me into moving here.
This afternoon I had to rush home for a quick lunch. It was cold outside, dark and rainy, like my mood. I decided to have an egg sandwich. My egg had two yolks. I was thinking this must be a good omen (It couldn't be bad.) when I caught a glimpse outside the kitchen window- big beautiful snowflakes. God is there for me. He is giving me something to hold onto. Sometimes it feels as though he is too busy for me... There is so much going on in the world- (Not that I have ever thought of God as being under such Earthly constraints as being 'too busy', but that's my reaction to not having answers as quickly as I would like.)
The more I think about life, the less I think it's simply linear. I have come to believe that my future impacts my present just as much as my past... especially since lately it doesn't feel as though I'm experiencing anything in the present tense. It's comforting to not be too conscious during the nerve-wrecking moments, but somehow I miss feeling my experiences to their full extent. I believe it's a result of this pain that I couldn't handle.
04/06/2006 (8:05 PM)
It is approximately thirteen hours until my anatomy exam. I so unprepared. I feel as though I'm going to fail! ...At least I did get an A on my language development exam. Thank God. ...but I'm breaking down. I can't concentrate. All the terms look the same. Nothing sticks in my head.
Damnit. I just want his arms around me...
...If he isn't the man I thought I fell in love with, then why am I still aching to be in his arms. ...I need to be held and loved... By someone who isn't related to me.
04/14/2006 (11:11 PM)
Well, I'm in Pennsylvania. My third night away from NY.
I selfishly denied my mother's pleas to sleep at my grandmother's house. It is really petty on my part. It isn't comfortable there. At least at dad's house I still have my own bed.
04/21/2006 (8:14 AM)
I'm slipping. There's nothing to hold onto, no firm ground to stand on. I've shattered into a million little pieces and can't pull myself back together. How can I feel anything this way?
AOL's been so good to me the past few days. I fear this honeymoon won't last. I want it to! I want to feel so special always.
I feel so chubby... It's all this sitting in front of this computer game. Loosing all of my time to something that doesn't exist! ...It's the only way I get to spend time with him.
I'm just so afraid of going back to classes, falling back into the same stressful routines. I need to be more focused this coming month; assertive, functional, smart!
...Such a bad mood! AOL is smoking cigarettes again! ...and he's helped me waste away my spring break on the computer rather than doing anything worth remembering. He's planning his vacation when I am busy back at school- When he can devote all his time and attention to his game.
04/23/2006 (3:04 AM)
The dread is paralyzing. I'm so distraught at the thought of Tuesday... The routine will restart, and I will go crazy!
I miss Umma... Not that she could do much to help me... Or I to help her. It is good that she is helping my grandmother, but it is so unfair that her own biological children are putting in so little effort to take care of their mother! If it was Umma, I would go home!
05/20/2006 (10:34 PM)
...I'm always writing when I'm in a bad mood. I'm sick of this eternal emptiness. I don't enjoy anything; drinking, smoking, singing, writing, eating... None of it pleases me. Not even sex anymore.
I'm pondering seeking professional help. I never wanted to confide in a therapist, but I think I might need a doctor to prescribe something for my anxiety attacks.
I need a job again... to have my own money again. Not to buy things but to do things... to go into the city just to roam and experience my city time- because it is going to end.
Fade away (I don't remember what you look like... what it feels like.) You are just a memory of something that never existed... a wish to die, a hope to live... a tear in a river that meets the ocean and floats away...
I'm so much more than any man has given me credit for- I thought you saw me, but you don't- You only know lies. You want to believe a woman is the nice side she shows, with her illusions ever intact. But we're not... and why should we waste our energy pretending to be fake when there's so much else to do?
I am beautiful. I'm loosing myself... and you're not worth it. You're only a man, nothing to offer me but pain. You don't love me, don't appreciate me. You are an apathetic bastard. You deserve the whores you've wasted your youth with! I am 23, and I have everything ahead of me. You have everything behind... I'm the sun rising, and you are it setting. My life is more than these past 5 years that you have been in it.
I don't remember what it feels like to be in love- with anyone. I never feel happy anymore. Relieved sometimes, but mostly just worried, anxious, constrained... EMPTY, lonesome. That's what I am most of the time, alone. It is so lonely to be with a boyfriend who doesn't care what's going on inside of me... I'm not one of those shallow twits he's been with. I'm a human being- with depth, creativity, soul... I deserve nothing less than the utmost honesty that I give him. i don't do anything he might disapprove of-- that's exactly what's wrong! I'm not crazy, despite what he thinks- I make my own choices. No one has ever controlled my life before, why would I let him now?
I miss passion. I know it exists! I've felt it before. It seems like something I saw in a movie now-- the product of someone's imagination...
05/30/2006 (Memorial Day)
I wish I was dead... because this doesn't feel like living. Honestly, if someone told me this was Hell, I'd believe him.
I am 23 and a half now... My timeline quickly approaching... in two more years, I wanted to be married. Two years after that I wanted to start a family. This has always been my dream... and it is dying.
...Last night I dreamed that I was in bed with a little boy. AOL came in, mad. He had a cup made of pure ice in his hand. I told him leave us, but he was so angry about something. He came at us violently. I told the boy to run and pushed him out the door ahead of me... We couldn't get away. So I wrapped my body over his as the ice cup came down against my back-- It was as physically as painful as I expected. All I could think about was the boy...
...My head hurts... too much crying. EVERYTHING else is more important to him than me.
I wish fucking someone else would make me feel better, but it doesn't even excite me. It just makes me wish I were dead.
I don't have anyone I want to talk to... which is why I'm writing these WORTHLESS thoughts in this book. I'm going to have a complex now... fucking vicious cycle.
.......Fuck it. I'm going to be happy for now on. Let the mourning end. If I'm dead and in Hell for already committing suicide-- Then I'm going to just enjoy the fire and brimstone as much as possible.
I just miss feeling good... hope, passion, faith. Maybe I should go to church. I never talk to God anymore.
God, where are you lately? Don't get me wrong- I do still believe in you. I'm not accusing you of neglect. On the contrary, I know I've been blocking you out. I just don't know what to do about it. I want to do something meaningful with my life! -more than just playing games and buying junk!
I used to have an ocean of words swimming in my head, but lately it's a drought... Where's my fucking prince charming? Did he get lost? Knock up some bimbo?
I hate AOL. He makes me think life isn't worth trying to be good. He makes me understand why people do drugs, commit suicide, get abortions... I never thought I'd even consider it, but- I can't let him get me pregnant... Good reminder to take my pill...
.....................I'm going to let you in on this little secret of mine- I have been born hundreds of times, many places. I die. I'm born. I live. I try to remember, try to find him. I believe sometimes we find each other... in some lives. Maybe over the course of the history of the world, our separations seem like only days- like he's at work... and maybe I've written these thoughts many time before... in several different languages...................
I have so little left to hold on to- So little to believe in, but what I do know is that I'm sad. You're not here, and for now, I'm alone... and sorry I ever met AOL.
03/14/2007 (12:20 AM)
There are moments of clarity in which one's entire existence can fit into a nutshell. Moments that give me the sense that I'm on the brink of tapping into the other 90% of my brain... But it's so so so... fleeting... and difficult to initiate or sustain. One must keep the flow of thoughts completely open- without the distractions of vocabulary or grammar... sometimes one can become so acutely aware of how absurd this life one is living really is... and how, like we observe a goldfish in the little bowl and remark, "Wow, that's his whole world." ...We are really also just making circles in our own bowls. Sure, the scenery outside the glass may change, but we're really always just floating through life... reaching for unknown destinations that will never be found... until death finds us.
There are rare moments, mostly when I'm wishing for sleep- that I realize- I am the goldfish, looking at the glass. It is clear and so most people may never even notice it, but I do... I see this boundary of my life, separating me from all others, what makes us individuals. At least I believe everyone has his or her own bowl... I've gone through a good part of my life feeling as though I'm only one behind glass, and everyone else is the ocean. It is what I've heard theater folk call the "fourth wall". I've often pondered whether breaking it isn't like peeking at God... The big time director in the sky. The little boy with a magnifying glass, taking his ant farm for some fun in the sun.
The fourth wall may reveal an audience... or another world, where these words are not my own but rather those of the author who invented me. To think of myself as a fictional character is not so upsetting as it may seem... Some people can not stand the idea of no self control. Like being written is to have no free will... but any writer will tell you- the characters make a story. They reveal things about themselves to their authors... and writers who fail, whose work does not last through the ages... are those who do not listen.
04/26/2007 (11:09 PM)
One must know herself. One must recognize the sound of her inner voice when it speaks. I want to accomplish so much in my life... like my mom. I know she can not see how much she has done... But I do.
I don't trust AOL. I'm not happy. I'm miles away from content. I'm lonely and tired and upset... I'm broken-hearted. I want to feel loved again... I have no life, only obligations. I wanted friends, trips, photos, memories... All I have is shattered. I only remember sitting in a classroom of faceless people, memorizing facts that I quickly forget. Nothing fun. Nothing rousing. ...I'm going to live at Temple. He can miss me and wonder what I'm doing when I'm the one not answering the phone.
I don't care what happens next. It can't be worse than it is now.