Every Heard

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This is a very difficult for me to write.

Last week I admitted myself to the Friend's Crisis Center due to suicidal thoughts.  I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and given an anti-depressant for the first time in my life.

I awoke the next morning transformed... no longer weighed down by the distress of inescapable thoughts.  I often make assumptions- most of them bad and self-deprecating.  I loose myself in my worries... and my Reiki classes had been a source of great release from these woes, until recently.  Perhaps it is just where I am on my journey.  Perhaps it is because I stopped making time for myself, as I let my job and my pursuits consume me... My partner absorbed so much of my pain for months.  I didn't even see how hard he was trying to keep me safe and stable.  

In the process, I let my fears and paranoia turn me into a controlling bitch.  I pushed him out of my life with my drama...  This is the part of my healing that can not be fixed with a pill each day.  Unfortunately, it took hurting such a tender soul to push me to get the help I so badly needed.  I think I have been trying to ask for help for many years but didn't know how... I was seeing an elephant in the room that no one else could.  I am so sorry to and grateful to the man who finally did... Who finally forced me to get the help I needed.

I want to share this with everyone... I don't want to hide anymore... and I want everyone to know how much I appreciate their friendship and support.  I often feel socially awkward and have difficulty being around groups of people... This is very difficult as someone who so loves being a performer.  But I often can't get out of my own head... and the world is a whole new place now, taking an anti-depressant.  It is like trying to wear a new pair of glasses for the first few days.  Everything looks much the same, but slightly clearer.  I'm so sorry to those I may have offended or held at a distance.  I feel so much better in so many ways... and racked with guilt and despair for what may never be repaired.

I am going to have to work at it a lot... see a therapist, take my meds... and live my life despite the pain I feel for the losses I've caused.  Thank you to all of the friends and family who have been reaching out to me.  I will do my best to be well- and learn what that really means finally.


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