On the Road to the New You
Across various philosophies and scientific fields of studies, there are references to the human body renewing itself every 7 years. When I began really digging into self-analysis, this concept helped me compartmentalize my experiences. It may contradict the psychological notion that the solution of a personality disorder is full integration........ But I am a rebel.
Creative therapy: Re-imagining Your Reality
Rewriting "The Story of You"
I created a timeline.
0-7 (1983-1990) --- 8-14 (1991-1997) --- 15-21 (1998-2004) --- 22-28 (2005 -2011) --- 29-35 (2012-2019)
I began to put together what age or year each of my memories came from... Then looking at each of these stories as separate people, I named them.
0-7 (1983-1990) Baby Ev
Baby Ev is only between infancy to seven. Hers is the original memory. To recall what it was to be growing so rapidly; the suppleness of one's skin, the tender strands of one's hair, and bones that can barely feel gravity.
8-14 (1991-1997) "Heavy" Evie
Evie is a lonely soul. She felt alone. She liked Emily Dickinson and Emily Bronte. She dreamed of a feeling; falling asleep on a train and missing her stop. Highly creative. Anxious to receive attention. She preferred to live in her mind.
15-21 (1998-2004) Jangmi
Jangmi was ready to be loved. She didn't feel worthy of the appreciation she freely gave, and she didn't find it. She found somethings nice, but the moment she knew they were not ever-after, she ended it. She learned to anticipate disappointment. Just two days before the end of her reign, the cross over to 22, she swallowed a handful of painkillers and went to sleep, hoping she'd never awake.
22-28 (2005 -2011) Ev
Ev was confident of her intelligence, her work ethic, and her energy. She worked like a laser beam, but she would get caught up in the competitive nature of education and business. When she realized the field she had devoted her career to was one in which she could not treat clients the way she would feel might best benefit them- not within the constructs of her certifications and degrees. In fact, she could feel her doppelganger hot on her tail...
29-35 (2012-2019) Every
I do not know who comes next. I have not met her yet, but she is already present. I hear her telling me to learn. When I am overwhelmed with the woe that I will never learn guitar because I have not put my time into practicing... It creates a false reality. I am so busy worrying, knowing only that I am failing.
I used to think I could change the behavior, and as a result, the way I thought would change. Now I have learned- I do everything backwards. If I can redirect my thoughts, the behavior changes by itself.
It has been an argument among the voices.
Every has Ev's strong motivation to help people. However, this fifth incarnation of our heroine is self-actualized. She let go of the wheel and let her life spiral in a completely different direction. Ev was very displeased with accepting the changing of the guards. Every is almost too carefree, and Ev tries to jump back into the driver's seat.
Every went on a very special trip. She started by going to one of the oldest music festivals in the country. Within the year, she would begin writing and performing her own music as well. The next year, she checked herself into a mental health hospital. Then she went to the woods in upstate New York to drink ayahuasca with a shaman.
Perhaps most people would have decided at this point... This sudden change in lifestyle must be a symptom of my mental illness. So- does that new life as a singer-songwriter really exist? I was living as both Ev and Every; Ev, the savvy speech pathologist bringing home the bacon while Every smoked weed and wrote songs.
Ev wanted to die. She absolutely wanted to go down the same dark hole where Jangmi tried to end it all.